Chapter 29: Is It Spring Time or Something?

There seems to be a lot going on with my parents lately.

Every night I call Mama and she always has some new crazy story.

"AMY!!!!" Daddy shouts from the basement.

"I'm not a damn dog, don't holler at me like that..." Mama starts as she walks downstairs from where she was in the study, "what do you want?"

"It's Gracie...she's...just get down here!" Daddy yells.

When Mama gets downstairs, she sees Gracie, and a new little puppy...

...and another one...

...and another...

...and one more...

Needless to say, Daddy is was fit to be tied.

"Two is fine, but we are not keeping four puppies in this house..." He starts.

"Oh, but look how cute they are!" Mama gushes.

"No, no, absolutely not...don't you remember what it was like running after the two we have?" Daddy is putting his foot down, of course we all know how much good that does.  He always says he puts his food down...on a balloon, because when he does it always blows up in his face.

"Well, you just huff and puff all afternoon, I'm going to go have lunch with Zoey, and when you get over yourself, I'll come back and we'll talk about it."

"I might drown the damn things!" He calls to her.  He hates when she walks away from him in the middle of an argument, which she does all the time.

"You do and I'll water board you while you sleep," She hollers back, "Love you!"

She lets the door slam behind her.

Mama and Aunt Z meet at the local bistro, pretty much the only place to eat around here.

Zoey can see that something is bothering Mama.

"What's wrong?" She asks.

"You won't believe this," Mama starts.

"Uh-oh," Zoey replies, "let me sit down, I don't know if my heart can take any more surprises."

So they sit down with their lunch and Mama simply says, "Gracie had puppies."

"Shit," Aunt Z replies, "are you all going to keep them?"

"There's no way," Mama replies, "Andrew is about to blow a gasket, and I can't talk him into any more...hey..."

"Oh hell no," Aunt Z exclaims fervently, "I don't want even one of them."
"Come on Z," Mama starts, "all the kids are gone, don't you all want some companionship?"

"T and I both have enough companionship," Z tells her, "hell, we spend most of our weekends away from each other and we like it that way."

"Well then what the hell am I supposed to do with four puppies?" Mama asks.

"Don't ask me," Zoey replies, "why don't you sell them?"

"I can't just sell them!  I want to make sure they're going to good homes..." Mama says.

"Damn," Zoey replies.

"Okay," Zoey starts, "Why don't you just give them to people?"

"Like who?  You already said you don't want one."

"I'm not talking about me," Zoey says, "What about the kids?" 

Yeah, thanks, Aunt Z.

Of course, the wheels in Mama's head are turning, and she already knows exactly who is going to get which puppy.

There are two little girl puppies: Taffy & Sophie..and she wants to give Taffy to Lila and Sophie to Evie.

Then there are two boys:  Cash & Smokey.

Her first idea was to give one to Keaton, but his answer was somewhere between hell and no, so she had to go back to the drawing board.

Luckily for her, she got a call from my oldest son Embry, who is living in town with his new girlfriend and they are expecting a baby, so somehow, Mama talks her into taking Cash, so the only one she has left is the runt, Smokey.

Meanwhile, my husband has managed to find the ugliest, meanest cat alive and brings it home to live with us. How do I know it's mean?

Just look what it did to this chair.

Either way, of course, Mama talks me into taking Smokey, so I have a new kitten and a new puppy.  Grrreat.

Really the only baby I want is TJ.  He is the sweetest baby and a breeze to take care of.  Of course, when you've been a challenge mother and given birth to 100 babies before him, one seems like nothing.

Of course, I'm not as young as I used to be, which means I wear out much easier.  Whenever he's sleeping, I am as well...and it seems like I can never get enough sleep.

One afternoon, I wake up from one of my unscheduled naps and suddenly feel a rumble in my stomach.

As a wave of nausea hits me, I barely make it into the bathroom in time.

Not again!

Chapter 28: You've Always Been Grouchy, Now You're a Grouchy Old Man

*THIS IS GOING TO BE NARRATED BY HADLEY, BUT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, THERE ARE GOING TO BE PLENTY OF HADLEY AND MASON STORIES TO COME, BUT I'M GOING TO THROW ONE OR TWO IN ABOUT THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY*

Time just keeps moving on, doesn't it?

I am reminded of this when my mother calls me out of the blue.

"Hey baby, what are you doing tomorrow night?" she asks me.

My response is simple mixed with a little sarcasm as always, "Probably a whole lotta nothin'...why?"

"You know tomorrow is Daddy's birthday, right?"

"Oh shoot!  Really?"

My daddy is finally for real retiring (he had a lot of stops and starts) and aging up into an old man.  It makes me kind of sad.  He's also the first of him, Mama, Aunt Z, and Uncle T-Bone to age up.

Mama continues, "Yeah, you're coming to his party right?"

I roll my eyes.  My mom is a little neurotic when it comes to stuff sometimes and she will most likely call me five more times between now and tomorrow night to make sure I'm still coming, "No, I'm going to go drink a fifth of vodka and start dancin' at the strip club..."

"All right, smart-ass." 

"Seriously Mama...do I need to bring anything?" I ask.

"Just yourself...and Mason and TJ..." Mama responds.

"How's Daddy handling retirement?" Like I mentioned before, Daddy has tried to retire I don't know how many times, but he keeps going back.  He's currently the superintendent of schools, which is better than having to put up with brats, but it's still too much for him.

Mama tells me, "He was okay with it, excited and they threw him a big party at the school and he was talking about how he and I are going to do all this traveling now..."

"Are you?"

"Hell no, you know what a cheapskate he is...we'd be doing the Motel 6 tour all across the country."

I laugh.  Yeah, that would be what they would do.  I can just hear Daddy now, "We don't have to be stayin' at no damn fancy hotel...the Motel 6 will be just fine."

Mama would whine, "Come on, baby, can't we just stay at the Comfort Inn."

"Amy, we don't want to seem uppity," he would respond.

"Hello, space cadet!" Mama is getting my attention.

"Sorry Mama, I was just...spacing..." I tell her.

"Anyway, when he got home, he was crabby as hell and bitching about having nothing to do." Mama finishes her story.

That doesn't surprise me either.  I get my hot temper from Daddy.

Mama and I talk for a few minutes and I tell her Mason and I will be there, but that TJ is a little young and might get a sitter.  That makes Mama whine a bit but she's okay with it.

*THE NEXT DAY*

Mama fixes pancakes for Daddy's birthday breakfast and he is already in a bad mood.

"Good morning baby," Mama greets.

"What's good about it?" Daddy retorts.

Mama contemplates asking him what's up his butt this early in the morning, but she figures she'll go easy on him since it is his birthday.

She decides to change the subject, "What do you want for your party?  Any special requests?"

"No one better be planning on getting me all that old man stuff..." Daddy warns.

"Honey," Mama starts trying to be patient, "no one is going to do that."

"Yeah, I'll bet..." He gets up from the table in a huff.

"Where are you going?" Mama asks.

"The garden." is his response.

The garden and the bathroom have always been my dad's places.  He goes to the garden to work out frustrations and he goes to the bathroom to be completely alone, especially when my sister, brother, and I were little.

I don't know about his bathroom, but his garden is beautiful as a result of all his hard work.

Mama is busy inside working on a new book and getting ready for the party.  Yes, Mama still writes.  She keeps telling me that's not something you can completely retire from.

Of course, she still has "my siblings" George & Gracie, the bichon frises.

"Do you want to go with me to get ready for Daddy's party?  Do you?  Who's Mama's baby?" She coos to Gracie.

Hmph.  I thought I was Mama's baby.  Damn.

So anyway, Mama gets the food made, the cake bought, and makes sure everyone is coming (she called me three times, Lila twice, Keaton probably twenty times, and everyone else at least once).

Lila, having inherited my mother neuroses, is one of the first to arrive.

Soon after that, Uncle T-Bone & Aunt Z show up.

"Hey, Happy Birthday man!" T greets.

"Man, I don't even want a party," Daddy grumbles.

"Chill out, dude.  We're all here 'cuz we care about you.  If you want, we'll all go, but I think you're being a horse's ass." T always has a way of saying things in a way that calm Daddy down...either that or piss him off so bad they get into knock-down drag-outs, but that hasn't happened since they both got old enough to break their hips.

Mason, Evie, Tony, their kids, and I get there next, and Mason notices one of dogs digging a hole in the yard.

"Should we make him stop?" I ask.

"Ain't my dog," Mason simply replies.

Oh.

I think we can both breathe a sigh of relief that we don't have a dog like that.

The next to show up, and always the last, is Keaton...this is why Mama called him twenty times.  He's probably the only one that needs it.

He and Mason are good friends though and of course have to engage in manly bonding.

"Dude!" Mason yells.

"Hey bro!" Keaton replies.

A series of grunts, comparing of muscles, slaps, body bumps, and even a punch or two follow.

Men.  I will never understand them.

Once the party gets going, and after my dad has a few beers, he is in a much better mood.

"Hey baby!  Watch this!"  Daddy tries to jump up on the coffee table...keyword: tries.

"Andrew Reed, if you jump on my glass table, so help me..." Mama threatens.

She doesn't have to worry about it because he can't get his uncooperative old body to do it, thank heavens.

"Well, I would do it though..." Daddy pouts.

"We know man," Uncle T assures him, "we know.  Haven't you broken enough furniture in your time?"

"I think our old dining room table can attest to that," Aunt Z agrees.

"You don't even have that thing anymore," Daddy protests.

She looks at him like he's an idiot and replies, "No, it's in the junkyard, I wonder why..."

Daddy (very inebriated at this point) starts getting all lovey dovey with Mama.

"Baby, you know how much I love you?" He asks as he wraps his arms around her, quite inappropriately, I might add.

She smiles in that "I'm just tolerating you right now" way that she does and replies, "Yes sweetie, I do."

"I love you so much...I would marry you all over again...and have more babies with you...Baby!  Let's have another baby!"

Uncle T-bone raises his eyebrows and scoffs under his breath.

"What the...?" that comes from Aunt Zoey.

"Remember you said that when I wake you up at the crack of dawn tomorrow with the hangover you will most certainly have." Mama replies.  

"Baby, I won't forget...let's have another one, we're not too old...I know it..." He's blubbering now.  Lord help us.

This would probably be a good time to remind you all that Mama can't have any more children and that it's a sore subject for her, because she would have been happy with a dozen more.

Mama pulls away from him and distracts him with promises of cake, "Baby, it's time to blow out your candles...and remember I bought that triple layer chocolate cake you like so much."

"Oooh, baby, how you talk..." He tries to kiss her neck...ewwww. 

She leads him outside where his cake is, stands him in front of it, and lights the candles.

"Make a wish sweetie," Mama instructs him.

"Aw, baby, thank you!  It's my favorite..." Daddy keeps yackin'.

"So quit blubberin' over it and blow out the candles dude," T tells him.

"These better not be trick candles...or I'm kicking all your asses," Daddy tells us.

We all, damn near simultaneously, look at Keaton.

"What?!" He says in retaliation.

"You didn't mess with my candles did you?" Mama asks with her eyebrow raised.

"No, Mama, and I'm offended that you all would think I would..."

"Keat, shut up, you know the only reason you didn't do it is because you didn't think about it," Mason jokes.

Everyone laughs and agrees.  Keaton looks like he wants to argue, but there's really nothing he can say.

"Come on, Daddy, blow the candles out," Lila urges.

Daddy gets a big grin on his face and wishes, "I wish my hair wouldn't go gray!"

"Well, so much for that one." Daddy grumbles, "Old age is sucking already."

Of course then he and Uncle T-bone got distracted talking about TJ...

...and by the end of the night, he says to my mom, "Ya' know, retirement might not be too bad."

To which Mama replies, "You are going to drive me crazy being here all the time, aren't you?"

Chapter 27: Love Child

*HADLEY'S POV*

Leave it to a man.  My husband snoozes away while I'm freaking out.

As soon as I sit up, the nausea takes over even more and I have to run to the bathroom.

Ugh.  Okay, let's think about this.  Maybe I'm coming down with a stomach bug.  Maybe the next door neighbor is fixing curry...wait, my next door neighbor is my sister and she hates curry.

Either way, I normally don't mind curry and now the very thought of it is making me want to head back to the toilet.

In retrospect, I have been an idiot for the past month.

Yeah, sure, let's stay in bed all month, bang like rabbits and just tempt fate.

In my defense, I couldn't help it.  It was like a child with a new toy.  It was me with my new (old) body, it was Mason playing with my new (old) body...and boy, did he...mmmm...

Shit, focus!  This is how you got into this mess!

So now, a consequence to our month of living on nothing but love is of course, a child...or at least I think.

Maybe I'm not pregnant.  Maybe I'm just getting sick and getting a migraine - that will enhance your senses.  Yeah, that's it...no need to worry, right?  Right?

Unfortunately, I'm just going to have to wait it out.

Since I can't sleep, I start painting, which relaxes me.  

After awhile, I hear walking around above me.

"Mason?" I call out.

"Yup," he replies sleepily.

"Are you coming down?"

"After my workout," he answers, "I'm starting to get pudgy..."

Hmph...you and me both.

 He continues, "Wanna spot me?"

*Eye Roll* That's Mason speak for "Wanna give me a reason not to work out?"

"Can't," I reply, "I think you broke me."

"Awww," he fake whines, "come on, baby, I'll fix you."

"Why didn't you suggest that before?" I mutter to myself.

"What?!" He yells down.  Shit.

"I've already showered," I send up another excuse and hope that works.

"All right, all right, I'll just work out," He finally gives up.

I hear him huffing and puffing upstairs for around a half hour.  He has a game today and he's not as young as he used to be, so he has to keep up his energy.

I just keep on painting because I don't have much to do...which makes me think...maybe having another baby might not be such a bad thing...I know I'm not as young as I used to be, but I'm certainly not ready to be put out to pasture...

In response, I feel a little kick and I notice my stomach is pooching out a bit more than usual.

Yup, no doubt about it, there's a little baby in there.

I want to tell Mason right off the bat, but he comes running downstairs in a panic.

"Have you seen my shoes?" He yells, running around the house.

"By the back door," I yell.

"Oh, thanks...but where's my knee pads?"

"Gym."

"Where's my helmet?"

"Same place."

I don't know what I'm worried about.  I already have someone to take care of.  What's one more person?

Mason runs around frantically looking for things while I tell him where they are and then heads over to the stadium for the closed meeting they have right before the game.

I'm not far behind him.  I'm forced to sit with the new crop of football wives.  The funny thing is there are maybe one or two women that are first wives and still married to their husbands, but most of them are second wives, so when I was Briana, I got along really well with them.  Now that I'm back to being myself though, they avoid me because they're worried whatever karma or mojo Mason had that made him go back to his first wife will rub off on their husbands.  Trust me, there's no love lost there. They're mostly uppity bitches that sit on their phones the whole time anyway.  Every now and then someone will say, "Picture!" and they'll all pose while someone uses their front-facing camera to take a picture.  My eyes hurt from rolling so much when I'm hanging out with these women.

I am never so happy when Mason's team wins the game 13 to 3 and we head out.

"So what's the plan for tonight?" He is asking me, "Dinner?  Bed time?  Please say bedtime...I'm kind of blue over here.."

I raise my eyebrow, "Baby, we had sex last night."

"Yeah, but we haven't today," he inches closer to me.

I can't help but giggle, and want to high-tail it home, but I have to catch him up on our situation.

"Yeah, well, our eagerness has a price," I tell him.

"What are you talking about?" he asks me.

"Well, honey, do you remember our parents cautioning us not to have sex when we were younger without protection?"

"Yeah," he starts, "they didn't want us to get any STD's or get someone knocked up...oh...wait...are you...?"

"Ding ding," I reply, "Surprise honey, we're having another baby."

Mason's jaw drops.

"I thought you were taking something..." he says.

I raise my eyebrows at him again, "When would I have had a chance to take anything?  I've only been back in this body for a month."

He laughs to himself before telling his joke, "And already got it knocked up."

"Haha, you're so funny," I jab him in the ribs.

"Well, I guess that's just the way things go," he says.

Well, this is anti-climatic, "I guess so."

****

As my belly gets bigger, Mason gets more excited.

"I bet it's a boy," he says talking and listening to my stomach.

I laugh, "What makes you say that?"

"He's running around like crazy," he says, "you gonna play football like your dad?"

"You already have one son that plays football with you...how many do you need?" I ask jokingly.
"Never have too many," he simply replies.

Oh, I guess it's a man thing.

As soon as I get away from Mason, I decide I want to head to the bookstore and run into a familiar face.

It's my daughter Hallie!  She has been living in town ever since my memory loss fiasco.

"Mom!  Are you pregnant?" She asks.

"I know it's insane.." I start.

"101 babies?  What's insane about that?" She jokes.

"Hey in there little bro or little sis," she talks to my belly, "have you thought of any names?"

I can't help but groan.  Give me a break, I came up with 100, didn't I?

"No, my creativity for names is kind of dwindling," I tell her, "but I was thinking about using the grandparent's names for inspiration."

Hallie and I talk for a few more minutes before my body tells me to get home and put my feet up.

She gives me a big hug, "See you later Mama, love you."

"Love you too, baby."

When I get home, I follow a string of banging and curse words until I find my husband fighting with a shower that's spraying everywhere.

"Honey?" I ask, "You okay?"

"Yeah, this damn thing is stuck and...arrgghh!!!" He starts but doesn't finish for growling.

I fight the urge to make a joke.  Mason rarely gets growly, but when he's under stress, it's more likely than not.

"Um...baby...do you want some help?" I ask cautiously after standing there for a few more minutes.

"No!  I don't have to have my wife do this for me!" He barks.

Hmph.

"I was just going to suggest that maybe it will help if you used the right end of the wrench instead of banging on the shower head so much, but whatever..."  Okay, I can't stop myself when he gets like this.

"Just...I've got this babe, don't worry about it."  He tells me.

I decide the most merciful thing to do is to just leave.  I have enough faith in him to get it fixed...eventually.

Sure enough, after laying on my bed and reading for awhile, he comes to bed...va-va-va-voom!

****THE NEXT MORNING****

I'm about ready to pop when I come downstairs for breakfast and I catch Mason reading at the table in the back yard.

After I eat my breakfast, I join him outside with a book of my own.

"Crap." I say.
He looks up, "What is it?  Is it time?"

"No," I say, "but I just realized something..."
"What?"

"We have gotten as old and boring like my parents, sitting here reading..." I tell him.

He looks up and arches his eyebrow, "Well, we could be doing other things..."

I start contemplating his horn-ball suggestion (I think we have an addiction..seriously, someone call a program, schedule an intervention...), but then I am interrupted by my water breaking...

Followed by a strong contraction...
Mason shoots up..."I have everything set up in the bedroom....and I can set up a bath tub...
I have a different idea.

"FUCK THAT!  TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL!" I shout.

"Oh...ok..." He looks surprised, but I could give two craps.  I might have gotten to where I could pop these youngins out no problem, but I haven't had a baby in quite awhile...I forgot how much this hurts.

Mason grabs my bag and the car keys.

"Okay, get in my car..." Mason instructs.  

"I'm driving, get in mine," I tell him and hop in the driver's seat.

I'm trying to concentrate on the road and the pain stabbing it's way into my abdomen while Mason wants to be Mr. Chatty...

"I don't understand why you have to drive," he is rambling.

"Because you drive like an old woman," I reply.  No time for niceties, sorry baby.

Thankfully we get to the hospital after awhile and they get me into a room with a nice bed and an epidural....thank God!

Despite the fact that I turned into a crabby bitch, Mason was right there with the wash cloth, holding my hands, getting me ice chips, letting me smack him around.  I couldn't ask for a better partner.

Finally after screaming from me and from Mason (I think I broke his hand...and kicked him in the groin once...don't ask), and a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, we heard the beautiful sound of our baby's cry.

...well, that was the only time the cry will be beautiful, but who cares right now?

After getting the baby cleaned off, they put a busy, squirmy baby boy in my arms.

Mason and I decide to name him after his father, Taurrence James Pope, TJ for short.

We get home and get TJ settled in the unused nursery and marvel at the charmed life we lead.

I am never going to be bored with my life again.