Chapter 2: Phantom Pains

*MASON'S POV*

Never in my entire life did I imagine that this could happen...and it's all my fault.  If I had just left those stupid pills at the stadium in my locker...I killed her.  I killed...Oh my God.

This is too much...I look at the pills scattered on the floor...that's how instant her d-d-...it was.  One minute she was standing here, the next she was just...gone.

That makes me think of something.  If it was so instant...but wait, I can't...what about our kids?

What about them?  They are already losing their mom...

I lean down and pick one of the pills up.  

Mason: I'm on my way baby...

Right before I am about to put it in my mouth, my phone rings.

Mason: Hello?

Coach: Where are you, Pope?

Mason: I'm sorry sir, I...

Coach: I don't care...get here now.

Mason: But...

Coach: I don't want to hear it, Pope.  Get here now.

I'm not ready to reveal to the world what just happened...that would make it too real...and if she's alive to the rest of the world...somewhere she's still alive.

We have a game tomorrow, so I can't let my team down...I have to pretend everything is normal.  I can do this.  I can pull myself together...

I make it through practice, but as soon as I get out the door, I lose it again.

How is this fair?  We only recently found each other again and this happens?

I don't know what to do with myself...I don't want to go home...it doesn't seem like a home without her there....normally I would be rushing home right now...and she would be waiting for me with a huge smile and a "Hey baby."

Oh God...I'm never going to hear her voice again...

Oh God...

This is too much to bear.  I can't possibly go home right now.  I don't know if I ever can.

So I head to the only other home I have.

When I get to my parents, they're not home.  Great.  I look in the window of my childhood home.  I remember being a kid and running through the house playing...with...oh God...why?  Why did this have to happen?

I now realize it must be possible to die of a broken heart.

Our whole family has moved to this block...and no one is home.  Evie, my parents, Keaton, Lila, Aunt Amy and Uncle Andrew, no one...I have nowhere to go...

I end up at Whistles.

Bartender: Hey there friend.  What can I get for ya?

Mason: Something strong...anything.

People come in and out of the bar as I sit there.  I don't say anything to anyone, even when some of Hadley's challenge friends come in...I can't face them.

After my third drink, I think I might have made it safely to the "numb" point...but then that damn "If I Die Young" song by The Band Perry comes on.  Damn country music...I really can't deal with this.

So I drink more...

...and more...all the way to closing time.

Bartender: Look bud, I'm closing up...can I call you a cab?  Where ya' headed?

I don't know.

I start walking until I get to this little house across town.

I'm drunk, exhausted, and completely lost.  What else can I do but ring the doorbell.

The door opens and I immediately recognize the woman answering as Paisley Parker, a friend of my wife's.

Paisley: Mason?  What are you doing here?

Mason: Um...I'm sorry...um.

Paisley: You look terrible.  What's going on?

Mason: I'm just tired.

Suddenly I hear the voice of Skye Everard, another friend of Hadley's.

Skye: Well who do we have here?

Paisley: Can't you tell?  It's Mason...Hadley's husband...

Skye: Oh, hey Mason!  Don't just stand there like a lump, why don't you come in?

I accept their invitation, mostly because I'm about to pass out.

I sit down on their couch, but I hear them whispering back and forth.

Skye: *whisper* What is he doing here?

Paisley shrugs.

Paisley: What brings you out so late, Mason?

Mason: I'm sorry to impose you both of you, but...I can't go home right now.

Paisley: Why? Did you and Hadley have a fight?

For some reason, the floodgates open and I tell her everything.  She is shocked and I can tell she is mourning the loss of her friend much like I am mourning the loss of my wife, but she comforts me.

Paisley: Honey, it's not your fault, please know that.

Mason: How could it not be?  If it weren't for those pills...

Paisley: She decided to take those pills herself...this is just a horrible accident.

Mason: I don't know what to do.  I can't tell anyone.

Paisley: Here's what to do right now.  Go upstairs, get some sleep, and you'll know where you need to go tomorrow.

Mason: Thank you Paisley.  I can't imagine what I would have done without your kindness tonight.

Paisley: Don't sweat it!  We all love Hadley.  You can stay here as long as you need to.

I immediately go upstairs and sleep for hours.

As my eyes flutter open in the morning, I expect it all to be a nightmare...to be able to roll over and tell Hadley about how awful my world would be without her in it...but then I wake up...and the nightmare is the reality.

After thanking Skye and Paisley again, I leave.  Unfortunately, I know where I need to go. 

I have to face this.  That's what Hadley would want me to do.

I walk to the cemetery.  I suppose I'm going to have to pick out a plot...and make funeral arrangements.  

How am I going to get through this?

Suddenly, I hear a familiar voice...

Amy: Mason!  Mason, wait!  You need to tell that wife of yours to answer her phone.

The tears start welling in my eyes.  I don't want to be the person to tell her.  I can't...but at the same time, I can't keep it a secret.  I have to tell her...I don't think I could possibly throw my voice enough to make her think it's Hadley when she calls.

Good Lord, that's a bad joke.  Now I know why Hadley does it...or did it...or...

She was always the funny one...the one that kept me laughing.

Will I ever laugh again?

Unfortunately, I can't worry about that with the mother of my dead wife standing in front of me, wondering what is going on with her daughter.  

Amy: Damn, honey, you look like crap...so where is she?  I've been trying to call now for two days and all I get is her voicemail.  Why is she avoiding my calls?
Mason: She's not...

Mason: She's gone, Aunt Amy.
Amy: What do you mean 'gone'?
Mason: She took these pills yesterday...and...they...she was...here, then she was gone.  I saw this dark figure.

I can only get out fragments of what I want to say before I start sobbing again.  I can't hear anything, but I can feel my mother-in-law's arms go around me and pull me close, like she always has.

Even though I should be comforting her, I let her hold me.  To be honest, it's the first time in the last two days that I feel even a little relaxed.  I haven't needed to be comforted this way since I was little, but I remember that when I needed to be held or reassured then I would go to my mom first, then if she wasn't there I would go to Aunt Amy.  She was saying the same things she would say to me then.

Amy: Shhh, baby, it's okay.  It's okay.

Lord, Freud would be having a field day with me right about now.

I finally pull away.

Mason: I don't know what I'm going to do...I have to eventually go home, pack up her stuff, plan a funeral...
Amy: Mason, wait a minute...do you still have her remains?

Mason: Yes, of course.  I'll never get rid of them...until the funeral...

Amy: There isn't going to be a funeral.  We can fix this.  Listen very carefully.