Chapter 29: Is It Spring Time or Something?

There seems to be a lot going on with my parents lately.

Every night I call Mama and she always has some new crazy story.

"AMY!!!!" Daddy shouts from the basement.

"I'm not a damn dog, don't holler at me like that..." Mama starts as she walks downstairs from where she was in the study, "what do you want?"

"It's Gracie...she's...just get down here!" Daddy yells.

When Mama gets downstairs, she sees Gracie, and a new little puppy...

...and another one...

...and another...

...and one more...

Needless to say, Daddy is was fit to be tied.

"Two is fine, but we are not keeping four puppies in this house..." He starts.

"Oh, but look how cute they are!" Mama gushes.

"No, no, absolutely not...don't you remember what it was like running after the two we have?" Daddy is putting his foot down, of course we all know how much good that does.  He always says he puts his food down...on a balloon, because when he does it always blows up in his face.

"Well, you just huff and puff all afternoon, I'm going to go have lunch with Zoey, and when you get over yourself, I'll come back and we'll talk about it."

"I might drown the damn things!" He calls to her.  He hates when she walks away from him in the middle of an argument, which she does all the time.

"You do and I'll water board you while you sleep," She hollers back, "Love you!"

She lets the door slam behind her.

Mama and Aunt Z meet at the local bistro, pretty much the only place to eat around here.

Zoey can see that something is bothering Mama.

"What's wrong?" She asks.

"You won't believe this," Mama starts.

"Uh-oh," Zoey replies, "let me sit down, I don't know if my heart can take any more surprises."

So they sit down with their lunch and Mama simply says, "Gracie had puppies."

"Shit," Aunt Z replies, "are you all going to keep them?"

"There's no way," Mama replies, "Andrew is about to blow a gasket, and I can't talk him into any more...hey..."

"Oh hell no," Aunt Z exclaims fervently, "I don't want even one of them."
"Come on Z," Mama starts, "all the kids are gone, don't you all want some companionship?"

"T and I both have enough companionship," Z tells her, "hell, we spend most of our weekends away from each other and we like it that way."

"Well then what the hell am I supposed to do with four puppies?" Mama asks.

"Don't ask me," Zoey replies, "why don't you sell them?"

"I can't just sell them!  I want to make sure they're going to good homes..." Mama says.

"Damn," Zoey replies.

"Okay," Zoey starts, "Why don't you just give them to people?"

"Like who?  You already said you don't want one."

"I'm not talking about me," Zoey says, "What about the kids?" 

Yeah, thanks, Aunt Z.

Of course, the wheels in Mama's head are turning, and she already knows exactly who is going to get which puppy.

There are two little girl puppies: Taffy & Sophie..and she wants to give Taffy to Lila and Sophie to Evie.

Then there are two boys:  Cash & Smokey.

Her first idea was to give one to Keaton, but his answer was somewhere between hell and no, so she had to go back to the drawing board.

Luckily for her, she got a call from my oldest son Embry, who is living in town with his new girlfriend and they are expecting a baby, so somehow, Mama talks her into taking Cash, so the only one she has left is the runt, Smokey.

Meanwhile, my husband has managed to find the ugliest, meanest cat alive and brings it home to live with us. How do I know it's mean?

Just look what it did to this chair.

Either way, of course, Mama talks me into taking Smokey, so I have a new kitten and a new puppy.  Grrreat.

Really the only baby I want is TJ.  He is the sweetest baby and a breeze to take care of.  Of course, when you've been a challenge mother and given birth to 100 babies before him, one seems like nothing.

Of course, I'm not as young as I used to be, which means I wear out much easier.  Whenever he's sleeping, I am as well...and it seems like I can never get enough sleep.

One afternoon, I wake up from one of my unscheduled naps and suddenly feel a rumble in my stomach.

As a wave of nausea hits me, I barely make it into the bathroom in time.

Not again!

Chapter 28: You've Always Been Grouchy, Now You're a Grouchy Old Man

*THIS IS GOING TO BE NARRATED BY HADLEY, BUT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, THERE ARE GOING TO BE PLENTY OF HADLEY AND MASON STORIES TO COME, BUT I'M GOING TO THROW ONE OR TWO IN ABOUT THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY*

Time just keeps moving on, doesn't it?

I am reminded of this when my mother calls me out of the blue.

"Hey baby, what are you doing tomorrow night?" she asks me.

My response is simple mixed with a little sarcasm as always, "Probably a whole lotta nothin'...why?"

"You know tomorrow is Daddy's birthday, right?"

"Oh shoot!  Really?"

My daddy is finally for real retiring (he had a lot of stops and starts) and aging up into an old man.  It makes me kind of sad.  He's also the first of him, Mama, Aunt Z, and Uncle T-Bone to age up.

Mama continues, "Yeah, you're coming to his party right?"

I roll my eyes.  My mom is a little neurotic when it comes to stuff sometimes and she will most likely call me five more times between now and tomorrow night to make sure I'm still coming, "No, I'm going to go drink a fifth of vodka and start dancin' at the strip club..."

"All right, smart-ass." 

"Seriously Mama...do I need to bring anything?" I ask.

"Just yourself...and Mason and TJ..." Mama responds.

"How's Daddy handling retirement?" Like I mentioned before, Daddy has tried to retire I don't know how many times, but he keeps going back.  He's currently the superintendent of schools, which is better than having to put up with brats, but it's still too much for him.

Mama tells me, "He was okay with it, excited and they threw him a big party at the school and he was talking about how he and I are going to do all this traveling now..."

"Are you?"

"Hell no, you know what a cheapskate he is...we'd be doing the Motel 6 tour all across the country."

I laugh.  Yeah, that would be what they would do.  I can just hear Daddy now, "We don't have to be stayin' at no damn fancy hotel...the Motel 6 will be just fine."

Mama would whine, "Come on, baby, can't we just stay at the Comfort Inn."

"Amy, we don't want to seem uppity," he would respond.

"Hello, space cadet!" Mama is getting my attention.

"Sorry Mama, I was just...spacing..." I tell her.

"Anyway, when he got home, he was crabby as hell and bitching about having nothing to do." Mama finishes her story.

That doesn't surprise me either.  I get my hot temper from Daddy.

Mama and I talk for a few minutes and I tell her Mason and I will be there, but that TJ is a little young and might get a sitter.  That makes Mama whine a bit but she's okay with it.

*THE NEXT DAY*

Mama fixes pancakes for Daddy's birthday breakfast and he is already in a bad mood.

"Good morning baby," Mama greets.

"What's good about it?" Daddy retorts.

Mama contemplates asking him what's up his butt this early in the morning, but she figures she'll go easy on him since it is his birthday.

She decides to change the subject, "What do you want for your party?  Any special requests?"

"No one better be planning on getting me all that old man stuff..." Daddy warns.

"Honey," Mama starts trying to be patient, "no one is going to do that."

"Yeah, I'll bet..." He gets up from the table in a huff.

"Where are you going?" Mama asks.

"The garden." is his response.

The garden and the bathroom have always been my dad's places.  He goes to the garden to work out frustrations and he goes to the bathroom to be completely alone, especially when my sister, brother, and I were little.

I don't know about his bathroom, but his garden is beautiful as a result of all his hard work.

Mama is busy inside working on a new book and getting ready for the party.  Yes, Mama still writes.  She keeps telling me that's not something you can completely retire from.

Of course, she still has "my siblings" George & Gracie, the bichon frises.

"Do you want to go with me to get ready for Daddy's party?  Do you?  Who's Mama's baby?" She coos to Gracie.

Hmph.  I thought I was Mama's baby.  Damn.

So anyway, Mama gets the food made, the cake bought, and makes sure everyone is coming (she called me three times, Lila twice, Keaton probably twenty times, and everyone else at least once).

Lila, having inherited my mother neuroses, is one of the first to arrive.

Soon after that, Uncle T-Bone & Aunt Z show up.

"Hey, Happy Birthday man!" T greets.

"Man, I don't even want a party," Daddy grumbles.

"Chill out, dude.  We're all here 'cuz we care about you.  If you want, we'll all go, but I think you're being a horse's ass." T always has a way of saying things in a way that calm Daddy down...either that or piss him off so bad they get into knock-down drag-outs, but that hasn't happened since they both got old enough to break their hips.

Mason, Evie, Tony, their kids, and I get there next, and Mason notices one of dogs digging a hole in the yard.

"Should we make him stop?" I ask.

"Ain't my dog," Mason simply replies.

Oh.

I think we can both breathe a sigh of relief that we don't have a dog like that.

The next to show up, and always the last, is Keaton...this is why Mama called him twenty times.  He's probably the only one that needs it.

He and Mason are good friends though and of course have to engage in manly bonding.

"Dude!" Mason yells.

"Hey bro!" Keaton replies.

A series of grunts, comparing of muscles, slaps, body bumps, and even a punch or two follow.

Men.  I will never understand them.

Once the party gets going, and after my dad has a few beers, he is in a much better mood.

"Hey baby!  Watch this!"  Daddy tries to jump up on the coffee table...keyword: tries.

"Andrew Reed, if you jump on my glass table, so help me..." Mama threatens.

She doesn't have to worry about it because he can't get his uncooperative old body to do it, thank heavens.

"Well, I would do it though..." Daddy pouts.

"We know man," Uncle T assures him, "we know.  Haven't you broken enough furniture in your time?"

"I think our old dining room table can attest to that," Aunt Z agrees.

"You don't even have that thing anymore," Daddy protests.

She looks at him like he's an idiot and replies, "No, it's in the junkyard, I wonder why..."

Daddy (very inebriated at this point) starts getting all lovey dovey with Mama.

"Baby, you know how much I love you?" He asks as he wraps his arms around her, quite inappropriately, I might add.

She smiles in that "I'm just tolerating you right now" way that she does and replies, "Yes sweetie, I do."

"I love you so much...I would marry you all over again...and have more babies with you...Baby!  Let's have another baby!"

Uncle T-bone raises his eyebrows and scoffs under his breath.

"What the...?" that comes from Aunt Zoey.

"Remember you said that when I wake you up at the crack of dawn tomorrow with the hangover you will most certainly have." Mama replies.  

"Baby, I won't forget...let's have another one, we're not too old...I know it..." He's blubbering now.  Lord help us.

This would probably be a good time to remind you all that Mama can't have any more children and that it's a sore subject for her, because she would have been happy with a dozen more.

Mama pulls away from him and distracts him with promises of cake, "Baby, it's time to blow out your candles...and remember I bought that triple layer chocolate cake you like so much."

"Oooh, baby, how you talk..." He tries to kiss her neck...ewwww. 

She leads him outside where his cake is, stands him in front of it, and lights the candles.

"Make a wish sweetie," Mama instructs him.

"Aw, baby, thank you!  It's my favorite..." Daddy keeps yackin'.

"So quit blubberin' over it and blow out the candles dude," T tells him.

"These better not be trick candles...or I'm kicking all your asses," Daddy tells us.

We all, damn near simultaneously, look at Keaton.

"What?!" He says in retaliation.

"You didn't mess with my candles did you?" Mama asks with her eyebrow raised.

"No, Mama, and I'm offended that you all would think I would..."

"Keat, shut up, you know the only reason you didn't do it is because you didn't think about it," Mason jokes.

Everyone laughs and agrees.  Keaton looks like he wants to argue, but there's really nothing he can say.

"Come on, Daddy, blow the candles out," Lila urges.

Daddy gets a big grin on his face and wishes, "I wish my hair wouldn't go gray!"

"Well, so much for that one." Daddy grumbles, "Old age is sucking already."

Of course then he and Uncle T-bone got distracted talking about TJ...

...and by the end of the night, he says to my mom, "Ya' know, retirement might not be too bad."

To which Mama replies, "You are going to drive me crazy being here all the time, aren't you?"