Chapter 6: Trying to Find Normal

Cora told me it might help to write things down to keep them clear and to get my feelings out.  She ended up having to leave, but I don't think seeing her has been helping anyway.

Mason has been nothing but wonderful.  This has to be hard for him and I find myself wanting to make it better.  I'm supposed to be his wife and I don't even remember him...and yet he is nothing but supportive.

They say that I should do more activities...not let the life I have now pass me by and all...so today we're fishing.  I say we of course because Mason never leaves my side.  He has taken some time off of work to be with me...mostly to make sure that I am comfortable enough to be by myself.  I can't say I don't like having him around, but he really needs to get back to his work.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay when I start going back to work regularly?" Mason is asking me for the fifth time.

I just stare at him, "Come on, give me a little credit..of course I'll be fine.  I won't blow the house up or anything."

He laughs and looks up at me - sort of longingly I think.  It's hard to tell...but I have been getting those kinds of looks a lot.
He laughs.
"What's so funny?" I ask.
"Nothing," he replies, "just that...even with amnesia, you still manage to be you."
"I'll have to take your word for it," I reply.

He's quiet for a minute, but then he starts speaking again, "What are you going to be doing tomorrow?"
What an odd question.  "Nothing that I know of," I answer, "why?"
"How would you like to go to my game tomorrow...it's my 'Comeback' game and...I know you don't remember it, but you're kind of like a good luck charm for me...I would really like it if you would be there."  He's rambling...I've never seen him ramble.  I have to admit, it's kind of cute.

"You want me to go?" I ask, "but I don't know anything about football."

"You don't really have to," he tells me, "just sit in the owner's box and keep your eyes on me.  It will make me feel good just knowing you're watching..."

"Um..."

"I know it sounds silly and trivial...but..."

It's such a simple request, but he's standing here, hating to ask it of me...how strange...I don't care how uncomfortable it's going to be for me.  I have to do this for him.

"Of course I'll go," I reply.

He smiles and I can see that he's pleased.  That makes me happy.

Soon after our conversation, we head home.

When we get home, we both hit the gym.  I find that working out relaxes me, and Mason has to work out all the time for his job, so it's a pretty safe activity for us to do together.

As much as working out relaxes me, my daily bubble baths work wonders...I'm beginning to believe that water was created just so we could soak all our worries away...it sure feels like that sometimes.  Bath time gives me time to decompress and contemplate everything that goes on...I keep hoping all this contemplation is going to lead to remembering some things, but so far, no such luck.

Mostly I think about what an odd situation this all is.  Mason has moved completely out of his own bedroom, the one he normally shares with me, and into one of the other ones.  I told him he should have his room, because I can't remember it anyway, but he insists.

I have also tried painting because everyone keeps telling me I'm pretty good at it, but I still don't see it.

Before Mason goes to work, we sit down and talk.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay today?" He asks once more.

"Mason, I said yes," I tell him, "what more do you want me to say?"

"I guess you're right," he replies, "okay, well...I have to get going.  I'll see you tonight.  Lo...Later."

I know I said I was okay, and I need to be, but a part of me is sad to see him leave.

I keep quiet though.  If I show even a single sign of not wanting him to leave, he won't go...and he needs to go.  He can't stay cooped up in this house with me and my broken head anymore.

He looks back at me, almost as if he knows what I'm thinking and says, "Why don't you head over to your parents' house while I'm gone?"

"Okay," I reply, "that sounds like a good idea."

So as he leaves, I get ready to walk over to my parents' house.  It's literally across the street and up a little.

When I get there, Andrew, or my father, is there.  Being around him always puts me at ease.

"Hey there, punkin'," he greets me.  Even though everyone else tip-toes around me, he still calls me all these pet names...but I don't mind...for some reason I like them.  He says he works in the school system.  I can believe it.  The loving but stern persona he has probably works wonders on students.

From what I can tell, he's a pretty simple guy.  He likes to garden, so I know I can always talk to him about that.  They say that I used to be very good at it as well, but I'm too afraid of killing anything to try my hand at it now.

Of course my father is always trying to convince me...in a very animated way.

"There's really nothing to it, just dig, throw some seeds in there, cover it up, water it...nothing to it."

"Says Mr. Green Thumb," I reply.

"Uh-oh, is that a joke aimed at me coming from my baby girl?" he asks somewhat teasingly, "I knew this amnesia thing was a hoax."

"Ha ha," I reply.

See what I mean about not being treated like glass when I'm around him?  I think I like it.

It's conversations like these that make me understand why I feel a close bond to him.  Even though I've been stand-offish to everyone else, I have been able to get close to him.  That's progress, right?

As I'm leaving my parent's house, I get a call from Evie, apparently my best friend.

"Hey, I have a surprise for you, can you come over?" she asks.

"What the surprise?" I ask as I come over.

Evie's always so well put together...maybe that's why I'm not sure if I like her or not.

"Well, you know we got a horse recently, right?" she asks.
"Yeah," I reply dryly, "I remember."
"Well, go look outside," she says.

Outside, I see a little foal...she's so cute!

"Who is this?" I ask.
"Right now her name is Pepper, but I figure you can name her whatever you want," Evie replies.
"She's for me?!"
"Yeah, I thought you might like her," she replies.

She's so right...as soon as I look in Pepper's eyes, I feel a connection.

When I get home, I buy everything I'm going to need for her.  Our house isn't really set up for a pony, but I'm going to give it a try.

Of course, I have forgotten one thing...to tell Mason.  I'm pretty sure this is one of those things that married couples should discuss...whether or not to bring a horse into the house...

I catch him before he gets too far into the house.
"Hey, how was your day?" he asks.
"Um...it was okay...guess what?" I reply.
He looks at me warily, "What?"
"We got a horse!" I reply...I can't contain my excitement.

"A horse?" he replies.

Crap, this doesn't look like a good expression...

"Yeah, she offered...and when I saw her, she looked so pretty...I couldn't say no..."

"Hold on," he says, "so you bought a horse?"
"No...Evie gave her to me," I explain, "her horse had babies, so she gave me one."
"Can I keep her?  I'm sorry I didn't tell you...I just got so excited..." I ramble...

He sighs and looks back at me, "I suppose anything that can make you that happy is okay with me."

"Thank you!"  I reply, "I swear you'll love her.  Just wait!"

I run outside to show him Pepper...

As I head outside, I hear him dialing on his phone...

I hear his side of the conversation...
"I'm gonna kick your ass..."
"Don't give me that innocent 'what' crap.  A horse?"
"Yeah, I know..."
"Well, I wasn't suggesting..."
"I know she does..."
"I know it does..."
"Yeah, okay, I'll talk to you later...yeah, love you too sis, bye."
He mutters to himself and sighs, "why my life has to controlled by these women..."

I can't help but smile.

He meets Pepper and likes her just as much as I do...so we spend the night getting her settled.

It's been a great day.

Of course, the fuzzy nightmares I've been having lately are still there...

Eyes...of a child...at least I think...

Being afraid...

Hands...threatening hands...

....an angry man...

Reaching...for something...I just don't know what...I wish they made more sense.

Chapter 5: Have a Little Faith in Me

*AMY'S POV*

Standing outside my daughter's house, I don't want to go inside.  How in the hell did this happen?  I can't help but think I'm being punished for something.  This is my payback...but why did it have to happen to her?

I guess this is a mother's worst fear...that one of their children will have to bear the punishment of their mistakes.  I don't know if my heart can take this.

When Mason called me, he was a mess of course...he had gotten her to take a nice hot bath, which I'm sure relaxed her.

I instructed him to give her a Valium and send her to bed so she could sleep.  I know he was worried about giving her another pill, but I know it won't hurt her.

I finally go inside and check in on her.  She's sleeping like an angel.  I want so badly to crawl into bed with her, hold her like I used to and make everything okay, but that won'd do any good now.  My baby is hurting and I can't comfort her because she doesn't know me.  How am I supposed to deal with this?

Okay, get your shit together, Amy.  Quit feeling sorry for yourself and concentrate on helping your daughter.

Maybe now my effing useless Bachelor's degree in Psychology will help something.

I make Mason go upstairs and take a nap while I hit the computer.  First I contact an old classmate of mine. Her name is Cora Schuler and she has experience working with patients who have had brain injuries, so she knows about amnesia.  I shoot her a quick e-mail, telling her it's an emergency and if she'll drop whatever she's working on and come help me I'll give her whatever she wants.

Then I do some Googling.  I don't really learn much except that most cases of amnesia occur after head trauma.  I don't know how that would have happened...but she has certainly been through a trauma.

I check my e-mail again and see an e-mail from my classmate.  She tells me she'll be happy to help.  I give her directions and tell her to come over.  Thank God for her.  She's always been a sweetheart.  No matter what was going on, she would be happy to help.

It isn't long before she gets here.

Amy: Cora, you're a lifesaver.

Cora: Whoa, don't tell  me that yet, let's focus on what's going on with Hadley.  Has she been through any kind of traumatic experience lately.

Amy: Well, she died, but we were able to bring her back.

Cora: Bring her back?

Amy: Um...yeah...she was a ghost...we took her to the science lab, fed her ambrosia...the whole bit.

Cora: *laughs* I'm sorry...I've never heard it described quite like that.

Amy: Well, that's pretty much how it went...

Cora: How did all this happen?

Amy: She took a pill she wasn't supposed to.

Cora: Does she have depression?

Amy: God no, she didn't do it on purpose.

Cora: Are you sure?

Amy: Cora, I would know.  She's not the internalizing type.

Cora: Okay...what happened when she took the pill?

Amy: Her husband would know more about it...but he said she died almost instantly...

Cora: Did she fall down?  Possibly on her head?

Amy: She probably fell.

Cora: Well, that could be it...but let's focus on what kind of memory loss she is suffering from...she doesn't remember anything?

Amy: That's what Mason told me.  I haven't been able to see her.

Cora: Can she walk, talk, all that?

Amy: Yes.

Cora: She just doesn't know who she is or have any memories of her life?

Amy: That's it.

Cora: If I had to guess without speaking with her, I would guess retrograde amnesia, but I really need to speak with her to make a completely informed diagnosis.

Amy: I've been out of school too long...what does that mean?

Cora: Basically that she can't remember anything from her past, specifically past events.  She might remember how to do things she used to, like play the piano, but she doesn't remember how she learned.  Does that make sense?

Amy: Yeah...Mason said she used the exercise equipment last night.

Cora: Mason is her husband, right?

Amy: Yes.

Cora: Is there anyone else that lives in the house?

Amy: No, just the dog.

Cora: Okay, well...when she wakes up I'll speak with her.

Amy: Okay.  Let me introduce you to her husband while we wait.

*MASON'S POV*

Aunt Amy has called a colleague of hers over her to work with Hadley.  I'm hoping she helps.

Amy: I'm going to give you two time to talk.  I'm going to check on Hadley.

Cora: Thank you Amy.

Cora: It's a pleasure to meet you, Mason.  I'm only sorry we couldn't have met under better circumstances.

Mason: You can say that again.  Do you think you can help my wife?

Cora: As I told Amy, I can't give you anything definitive until I assess Hadley, but I have a pretty good idea what it is.

She tells me the whole thing about retrograde amnesia and all that, but she doesn't tell me the thing I most want to know.

Mason: What can I do to help her remember?

Cora: Unfortunately Mason, with this type of amnesia, telling stories and memories don't really help - in fact they have been known to cause more distress than comfort.  There's really not much you can do to get her to remember her past, but you can help her by being here for her.  Build memories for her now.  No one can tell when and if she will ever get her memory back, but she will most likely be able to lead a normal life regardless.

Mason: She she could be like this forever?

Cora: Possibly, but she can remember...it's called spontaneous recovery, but more often than not, it just happens sometimes with no clear cause.  Oh, but I do want to tell you something.  Amy was telling me that Hadley died and you had to bring her back, right?

Mason: Yeah...that's how this whole mess started.

Cora: Well since she technically died, she is actually no longer your wife.  The marriage is void upon her death.

Mason: What?  Why?

Cora: It's just the way the law works, but I just wanted to tell you so you wouldn't be surprised.

Mason: So what are we?  Was the marriage annulled?

Cora: No...court systems haven't encountered it much,but the ones that have had to have deemed it the same as a divorce.

Great, so not only does my wife not remember me, but we're divorced.  That's just great.

*HADLEY'S POV*

I feel like I've been sleeping forever, but I do feel more refreshed...if only I weren't still confused as hell.  Mason is so nice, I wish I could remember being in love with him....I could certainly see how anyone would want to be his wife.

Suddenly, there's a gentle knock at the door interrupting my thoughts.

Hadley: Hello?

A woman's voice replies: Hadley?  Can I come in?

Hadley: Yes?

The door cracks a little and an older woman with light brown hair comes inside.

Woman: Hi, Hadley.  My name's Amy.

Hadley: Hi, it's nice to meet you...again, I guess...um, forgive me, I don't know how we know each other.

*AMY'S POV*

Somehow I thought when she saw me there would be an instant recognition of some sort...like the bond that started way back when I was carrying her in my womb would be able to smash right through and she would know that I am her mother.  But she is just staring at me blankly...with a complete lack of recognition in her face.

Hadley: How do we know each other?

Amy: Well, I'm actually your mother.

Hadley: Oh!  I'm so sorry, I didn't realize...

Amy: No, don't apologize sweetie, it's okay.  I understand what's going on.  You had no way of knowing.  We don't even look alike.  I probably should have brought your father.

Hadley: Why?

Amy: You look almost identical to him...except that you're a girl.

Hadley: Oh..okay...

Amy: I'm sorry, I ramble when I'm nervous.  There's actually someone to see you.  Someone who can help.

Hadley: Is it someone else I know?

Amy: No, she's a friend of mine...a therapist that might be able to help you get your memory back.  Will you talk to her?

Hadley: Of course...

Amy: Okay sweetie, why don't you get dressed and meet her downstairs in the sitting room.

Hadley: Okay...thanks Amy.

*HADLEY'S POV*

I come downstairs and sit down next to Amy...or my mother...when this blonde woman walks in.

Amy: Hadley, this is Cora, she's the lady I talked to you about.

Cora: Hello Hadley.

Amy: I'm going to give you all some privacy.

Cora scoots closer to me.

Cora: Your family tells me you're having trouble with your memory.

Hadley: Yeah...

Cora: Why don't you tell me everything you do remember...

I tell her everything, which doesn't amount to much.

Hadley: Do you think you can help me?

Cora: I can certainly work with you.  I can't say when and if you'll get your memory back, but I can tell you that I would like to work with you exclusively for awhile.  Would that be okay with you?
Hadley: Sure...whatever you think will help.

*AMY'S POV*

Cora: Okay, I'm finished.  I'm going to need a full medical history to rule anything else out.
Amy: Sure.  She's been very healthy her entire life, there really isn't much to tell.

Amy: So what do you think?  Is she going to get her memory back?
Cora: You know I can't say for sure...we just have to hope for the best.

Chapter 4: Make You Feel My Love

*MASON'S POV*

I must be hearing things...did she just ask what I think she asked?

Mason: Baby, what do you mean?  You know who I am.

Her forehead creases and her eyes squint like she's concentrating as she stares at me.  Her eyes are moving from left to right, as though frantically looking for something.

She's trying to remember me.  Oh God, this can't really be happening...can it?  Amy didn't say anything about this happening.

Hadley: I'm sorry...I don't...

Mason: It's Mason...your husband...Mason Pope...you're telling me you don't know me at all?

She shakes her head and I can see tears brimming in her eyes.

I'm frightening her.  In all the years I have known her, I have never seen her look this scared.

I have to admit that I'm scared too.  It occurs to me that if she can't remember me at all, there's probably a lot more she can't remember...like her entire life.

Mason: What do you remember?

Hadley: Um...I...I'm not sure...I remember you grabbing my hand...at the hospital?
Mason: The science lab...
Hadley: I remember getting in your car, coming here and eating because I was starving...then I remember a bright light surrounding me...and...that's it.

I decide not to say anything about her being dead only moments ago.  That might be too much for her.

Mason: So that's everything you remember...about your entire life?

Hadley: *looks really confused* No...that can't be right...I...I have to have some kind of memory of my childhood or something, don't I? 

She looks up at me with an absolutely terrified expression.

Hadley: What's wrong with me?

Mason: Baby, I don't know, but I promise you we'll figure it out...

I reach in to hug her and she pulls away.

I can't stop my face from falling...

Hadley: I'm sorry...you seem like a very nice man...but...I

Mason: No, I understand.  Um...okay, we're going to get through this thing...maybe if I told you some things about your life it will help you remember...
Hadley: Ok...
Mason: Um...I don't even know where to start...we have known each other our entire lives...when we were kids...our mothers are best friends...do you remember your mother?

Hadley: *shakes her head* How could I not remember my own mother?

Okay, maybe starting in the past was a bad idea...maybe the present...without bringing up the whole "you died" thing...

Mason: Okay...it's okay baby, let's not think about that right now.  Right now, you just have to know this:  This is your home.  The place where you are safe and loved.  You don't have to be afraid here.

Hadley looks up at the house.  I expect her to smile...to recognize something...or even to complain that the siding seems loose under one of the windows...something...but she just stares.

Hadley: I don't remember any of it...how is this possible?
Mason: I don't know, but we'll get through it together...that's how we always do things...
Hadley: I can't do this right now.
Mason: What do you mean?
Hadley: Ma-Mason?  Um...I think I would like to be left alone right now.

Mason: But...
Hadley: I promise I will stay in the house...I just want to be alone, okay?

I sigh.

Mason: Okay.

After an exhausting two days, I am ready for some sleep...but given the circumstances, I know I can't sleep in our bed, so I take the girls old room.  We still haven't done anything with it...thank goodness.

*HADLEY'S POV*

After Mason goes upstairs, I come inside.  He was upset that I was sending him away, but I have too much of my own confusion going on in my head right now...I can't handle his too...and the more he talked to me about my past...and even my present...it just scares me more.

How can I not remember anything?

I look around at this house...it's very big...I wonder if I have a family...if Mason and I have children...and where they are...surely they can't be that old...I can't be more than...um...

Um...oh for chrissakes, how can I not know how old I am?

I sigh.  I have to just clear my head...maybe look around.  I'm standing in a very pretty blue room with blue couches, a fireplace, a bookshelf...it's very relaxing.  Maybe I should just stay here....

To the left of me, there's a kitchen...maybe I can whip up some french toast in the morning...
Wait...do I know how to fix french toast?  Most people make it with milk and eggs, but I make it with eggnog...it makes it taste so much better...

What the...?  I don't know how old I am, who my husband is, whether or not I have children, and who my parents are, but I can remember how to make french toast?  How does that make sense?

I decide to go to the right instead.  Directly past this room...which I'm guessing is a sitting room...is an office...there's a computer and an easel...I touch the painting that is on it, unfinished...did I paint this?  I don't know...I'm not 100% sure, but I think I can pain something if given the oppurtunity.  Hmm...

There is a staircase leading upstairs and downstairs in this room as well, and I decide to go up.

I walk to the first closed door I come to on my right and find workout equipment.

Hmm...I feel like I could work out a little...maybe lift some weights...maybe it will relax me...

So I change into some workout clothes that fit, so they must be mine and work out until I can smell myself...that means I'm done, right?

Either way, working out didn't help...I wonder if I like working out?  I seem to know what I'm doing...Geez, I feel like an alien trapped in someone else's body.

I leave the room in search of a shower....

I open a door to what is most likely the master bedroom...though once again I don't recognize it.

Much like the rest of the house, it is very pretty, and soothing...there's some perfume on the dresser and some makeup there too...they must be mine, but I just can't remember them...

I crumble onto the floor where I stand...looking around at this room...in this house...not knowing anything or anyone...

I can't help but feel completely alone.

I'm so scared...what if my memory never comes back?  What if something terrible happened to me and that's why I lost my memory?  I don't know what to do...

The tears I have been trying to keep at bay finally fall freely down my face.

What is wrong with me?

*MASON'S POV*

I am startled awake when I hear someone crying...sobbing actually.  It's Hadley...I have to go to her.

Sure enough, when I open our bedroom door, she is curled up in front of the dresser.

Mason: Baby, it's going to be okay.
Hadley: *through sobs* Please stop calling me baby.

Ouch.  That stings probably more than it should.  Somehow I thought that if I keep reminding her how much I love her that it will help her remember how much she loves me...but I guess I was wrong.  I don't know what to do, but I know I can't let her just sit there.

Mason: Okay, fair enough.  Why don't you get up off the floor...do you need a hand?

Hadley: No I can...

But she can't, so I hold out my hand and wait for her to take it...which she does.  Well, that's a start.

I pull her up easily...she feels more fragile than she used to...and she also smells like the locker room after a game or a grueling practice...

Mason: I'm guessing you found the gym.
Hadley: Huh? Oh...yeah...ugh...I stink don't I? I'm probably grossing you out.

Mason: Ha, I know you don't know this, but we have known each other our entire lives...you can't gross me out anymore. I'm immune.

I look at her face and I swear I can see...
Mason: Uh-oh, is that a smile?
Hadley: I guess it is...it's nice to know that someone knows me that well...even though I don't remember it.

Mason: You will...let's just take it a step at a time.

Hadley: I think I can do that.
Mason: Okay...why don't you sit right here and I run you a bubble bath.  You normally love them after stressful days.
Hadley: Okay...

So I head into the bathroom and run the water, squirt some soap in, and let it fill the tub.  Once it's full, I turn on the jets.  She always loved those.  I head out to get her when it's ready.

Mason: Okay, it's all ready...nice and relaxing for you.
Hadley: Wow, the steam feels good.
Mason: Yeah, just hop on in and soak your worries away.

She looks down at the tub and back up at me, but doesn't do anything.  At first I'm confused, but then I remember...

Hadley: Uh...Mason...?
Mason: Oh, right...yeah...I'm sorry...um, I'll just be downstairs.
Hadley: Thank you.
Mason: You are very welcome.

*HADLEY'S POV*

This bubble bath is probably the best thing I have ever experienced...

Hmm...I can't help but laugh at that thought...at this point, this bubble bath is about the only thing I've experienced.

Either way, it is relaxing.  Mason was right...maybe I can trust him.  I sink down into the scalding hot water, lay my head down on the edge of the tub, close my eyes and soak.

*MASON'S POV*

I am downstairs, but I can't seem to do anything but think about her.  What are we going to do?  Will she ever be the same again?  It's time to call someone who might have the answers.

Amy: Hello?